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Submitted 11 Jul 07

How do I get over what residential treatment did to me?

When I was 15 my parents found hundreds of non nude pictures of boys on my computer. To say the least they freaked out, and they sent me to the great state of Utah to Birdseye Boys Ranch. It was the worst hell of my life, from the lie detector test, the plethysmograph (that's how they test your arousal), I even went through conditioning, where I ate bitterroot and smelled rotten meat while I read child porn stories.

The day I turned 18 I got on a Greyhound bus and left. Since then my life has been full of drugs, prostitution and living on the streets. I finally got my act together, I am clean and I have a good job and I am relativly happy but I feel myself coming apart at the seams. I can't talk to anyone, I have a boyfriend my age and when we have sex I think of boys. I can't go on like this, I know I will always survive but those 2 years messed me up so much, I feel like I am this disgusting thing that God hates. How do I get over this? I live in fear that my secret will come out but at the same time I almost wish it would.

Please help, I need someone to talk to, someone to whom I can say, "I saw this cute boy today". I am not a child molester, I don't look at child porn but I love boys.

David (20)

Our answers
Submitted 10 Nov 2007

I feel your pain. I too ended up in programs at age 15. Though it was initialy for anger management issues. I had an encounter with a younger boy, oral, and was caught after the 7th or 8th time. I was soon transfered to a program that dealt with sex offenses, and eventualy a sex offense spec prog. Luckily none were as bad as the one you describe. They didn't work. I still have 'devient thoughts' as they would call them. I have not acted on them but my atractions, not soley sexual, led to friendships and that got me into legal trouble. Now I am a registered offender. Ironicly the case that put me on the registry was all crap, I intend to take it back to court. I would never harm or offend a child/teen. I do have arousals to not so legal males but I know better and stay out of trouble. It is good to now know there is some place I can share this info without fear of prosicution or being labeled.

Shawn (28)


Submitted 2 May 2008

That is terrifying and sickening. In fact, that's torture and they should be treated as war criminals. My stomach is turning thinking about their "treatment".

Andrew (17)

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