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DUSTIN ASKS...
My name is Dustin, I'm 18 and live in Alberta Canada. I was so glad to find others who feel the same way I do about boys.

I still have so many questions though, and although I hope that information like this will help me not to feel ashamed, I still have in the back of my mind the possibility that my feelings are evil, you know? How can I be sure?

As a child, I did have more than one encounter with boys. I remember when I was really young, probably between 6 and 9 or something 'playing around' with boys of my dad's friends. I had thought this was normal playing for kids, but it was always with boys. Recently I've never done anything, excepted reading some stuff on the net that I didn't think I should be.

I would so much like to find out how we can get through this, and understand it.

Take care, and God bless.

- Dustin

Our answers
Submitted 28 Dec 2003

Hi,

Seems very strange indeed that I am submitting to this site at all. I have read some of your postings. I am pleased that everyone seems to hold the view that not wishing or going out to hurt another is of the utmost importance. Human sexuality is very diverse and our feelings in and of themselves are not ‘evil’ like some have pointed out, it is how we act on those feelings that makes us ‘good’ or ‘bad’ in what we do.

I was a teenager later teen in fact, though very innocent and probably distinctly ‘boyish’ looking I still am apparently at 42 years of age. At 18 I could have passed for about 12. A much older man came into my life, he was 56 years old at the time. Was he a ‘boylover’? I don’t know. All I do know is that whatever his ‘feelings’ - he had a very negative impact on my entire adult life, and I am only learning now to deal with and begin to understand that.

I also discovered that a married friend of mine 38 years old is a ‘boylover’. He spoke to me as most of you do here about ‘evil’ and guilt and shame etc. I have known those feelings myself for simply having been myself and for having known an older man maybe a ‘boylover’ who acted in the most inappropriate ways on those feelings. I have helped my friend understand himself cause I do not judge him and he helped me understand something of the ‘boylover’. I have heard the word ephebophile used for someone who acts on their feelings inappropriately. I would strongly suggest that the older guys do not come on to younger, less experienced, innocent guys and assume it is OK because they are of legal age or ‘near’ it. There is an ‘age of consent’, ‘age of minority’, ‘age of majority’ and I would highlight that there should also be an ‘age of innocence’. I believe when anyone is ‘robbed’ of that innocence, regardless of their age it is paramout to an evil deed.

I guess I am just saying that NO you are not ‘evil’. But you must take every care and precaution that you act on your feelings in appropriate ways and ways that will only ever have a positive impact on the life of another regardless of his age. The boundaries can be confusing and deceptive. It is one thing to feel ‘love’ for a boy a child. It is quite another matter to act on those loving feelings in a sexual way. Knowledge is power they say. Well I suggest as we all should do to get to really know and understand yourself. That way you will build on that power to be able to act / react in a responsible and positive way, whatever situations you find yourselves in. I suppose that is what these forums are all about.

I have seen some though that seem to encourage or suggest that ‘abusing’ anyone is ever acceptable or appropriate. Just be careful where you go for your ‘knowledge’ and be discerning. :)

Have a good day.

Pat (42, Ireland)

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Submitted 13 Oct 2003

Dustin, I know what you're going thru. I like boys as well but not in any sexual way at all. I have since I was young. I'm older now and divorced and have a little guy 10 years old that I love dearly as much as my own children. His story is a sad one, his father is long gone and doesn't even contact him at all. He has no one but me as a male role model in his life and it shows when comes to stay with me every week for two days. His mom and I had a relationship for about 4 months and she asked me what to do with him. I decided to take him under my wing and be his mentor. He has already stated that he loves me and I care for him as much as my own kids, now in their early teens. She has a new boyfreind and doesnt mind me having him for two days a week cause she knows I'm doing good for him and the effects will last a lifetime for him. I recently read a book called "Real Boys" by William Pollack, Ph.D. I suggest you read it. It really opened my eyes. I have the book here. I understand what makes me tick now cause it's been a desire to be a father figure to a boy all my life and now I'm having the chance and it feels great. The unconditional love he gives back to me when he hugs me and I'm with him I can't explain it. I would never harm him in any way. I did however cross the line when I was 15 and got in trouble for it when I was 31...13 years later. I'm not proud of it at all and it's not gonna happen ever again. Love is what all the sad boys in the world need to help them become productive citizens of our society and find their places in the world. Thanx for the opportunity to contribute, dustin.

Boyluv :o)

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Submitted 15 Sep 2003

Hey Dustin,

I'm in my late 20's and I, too, am from Western Canada... (which is part of what made me want to reply to you on this so *new* site--feel free to email me if you want to!) I've been posting on boychat.org for some time, and have found that to be an incredible experience for enlightening me on the topic of boylove and understanding my own feelings. I've also found it so useful to learn from those who have been through it before me, and learn from their mistakes, and attempt to absorb some of their wisdom.

As to your post, let me say emphatically, NO, you're not evil! That you're even asking that question tells you that you're not. I think, from your post, that you most likely would never actively hurt anyone, and that deep down you're a good person. If that's the case, then how can a mere sexual attraction make you evil? It's how you respond to that which decides how good a person you are. Above all, forcing (or convincing) someone to do anything they really don't want to do is not right.

I wish you all the best in your journey... take care and be good.

All my love,
Daneel, late 20's
RDaneel at fastmail dot fm

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Submitted 11 Sep 2003

For many years I felt the same way, I used to think this is wrong, I should not be having these feelings for young boys and I lived in fear for many years. Since I have had the internet, I have discovered that I am not a freak, there are so many other people out there that feel the same as me. Being able to use forums like this has helped. I have met some very nice people and to be able to talk to them about our common interest for want of a better word, it great. As long as you intend no harm or evil you are not evil.

Joe_uk, 54

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First of all, no feelings or attractions are evil. You cannot change your attractions just as you cannot change your intelligence or your ethnicity. What many people don't understand is that just like intelligence, sexuality comes in all degrees and variations. All human characteristics are variant and just like no one person has the same personality or finger-print, no one person has the same sexuality. What our society has done is to take the sexuality that is most viable for the benefit of capitalism and religion and make it the only sexuality. Nothing could be further from the truth. It's unfortunate that the bombardment of gender and age roles by society in general makes us feel deviant if we diverge even slightly from what is considered viable and prudent. If a grown man likes to read comics or a young girl likes to play with GI JOE dolls, our society deems them misguided or immature; yet we're told to cherish the individual qualities that each of us possess. The constant mixed messages is what society thrives on. Keeping us confused and wondering means that we won't deviate too far from the "norm". I personally have decided to find my own way and to be skeptical of all of my socially instilled perceptions. Figure it out for yourself. Pretend that you don't know anything about sexuality and that you were never told what was right and wrong from an early age. If you come to the conclusion that your attractions are evil, then they are for you. But if what you discover is that you've been misled your entire life, be confident in your discovery and know that you're not alone.

A closing note:

Know that there are always bad people out there. There will always be people who want to exploit children for their own gratification just as there will always be people who steal and cheat. When you feel yourself associating who you are with the above, know that you are the exact opposite of everything bad and hurtful in the world.

Howie, 21
howie@agetaboo.org

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NO the feelings are perfectly natural and true. nature can not be evil, accept yourself for what you are and life will be pleasent.

P.S. dustin i too am from alberta

eagle, 26

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Hey there, have an answer of sorts for you. I am quite a bit older than you yet have always been attracted to boys younger than myself. I found some answers over time but my younger years were filled with doubt and mental anguish. I was born into a religious family and just dealing with being gay was enough, being a pedophile was life shattering. As I consciously accepted my sexuality and finally came out I was better able to deal with my feelings on a personal level. At times I am still attracted to a beautiful 6yr old but the feelings are no longer out of control. As I grew older and my self awareness deepened I became aware that the root of my attraction to young boys was tied to the suppressive environment in which I was raised. By accepting myself and loving myself I was able to love that small boy within my mind that longs still for me to wrap my arms around him and comfort him. I love boys because that time and that part of myself that is to this day an innocent pure thing of beauty needs to be loved. Luckily, as I grew older the age group that I was primarily attracted to moved with me, always about 6 years behind my own age. Also, I came to realize that the characteristics that I love of childhood innocence, exuberance, beauty, energetic naughty unselfconscious fun and tender unconditional love could be found in persons that were legally of age. Also, though younger guys tend to have the boyish body of youth that I prefer, other guys who are older sometimes do too. If boys that turn into men take care of themselves without beefing up like Arnold it is very possible to remain somewhat static in appearance from late teen years on up into middle age. I myself am 33 though with a pair of loose jeans, a t shirt and a smile I can easily look 18 to 20, good genes. Anyway, the secret to your question is to figure out exactly what it is you like about young boys and seek those traits in guys that are of age or nearly at least. Also, find someone you trust that you can talk too about this regularly and help you to work out your feelings about yourself and also whatever feelings you have with your younger playmates. It is totally Ok for you to be you and having an active fantasy life hurts no one. However, If you are sexual with another person no matter what age and they haven't the ability to consent in any way that means they understand what exactly it is you will be doin together, then I consider this to be aking to rape and harmful not only for the one violated but also to yourself. Hope some of this tirade was helpful. Good luck. good love

Ashke, 33

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Like you, I also wondered that maybe it was "evil" for me to accept my sexuality. But I felt peace with myself when I changed my attitude. I no longer felt shame, and I don't think it is good for us to feel ashamed of some characteristic we have that we did not choose. Guilt can be good when it is a reaction to something we have done that is wrong or harmful, but shame--that is, a general sense that we are worthless--is not good. Everyone of us is worthy of dignity and respect.

I did want to address what you wrote about your childhood. It is quite normal for kids (regardless of sexual orientation) to fool around with each other. Some people would say it's immoral, but it seems natural for many kids, especially when they haven't been taught that sexual touching is bad.

Probably the most important thing we need is support from each other and from other understanding people who will see us as decent people just like anyone else. I have discovered that there are some good people who are interested in learning about us and supporting us, and I have started meeting them in real life, and making some connections with a few helpful organizations. Good things are happening.

I'm so glad you found our site, and I hope to hear more from you!

Matthew, 40
matthews@agetaboo.org

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Hey Dustin,

Further to what Matthew said, I think it’s most likely you’ll find the answer to whether you’re “evil” or not inside of yourself. Forget what everyone else thinks for a second and ask yourself if you have any desire to cause hurt to another. I’m not talking about fantasy here, as many people fantasise about things they would never dream of doing in real life (that’s a universal truth that applies to ALL sexualities). What I mean is, could you see yourself taking anything from your fantasy life that you weren’t sure about into reality? Oh, and how many genuinely evil people do you think worry this much about being evil?

And as far as understanding your sexuality goes, it’s my opinion that we mustn’t lose sight of the fact that we shouldn’t be any more obliged than anyone else to have the answer to ‘why?’- we should simply concern ourselves with being decent individuals, and so long as what we do doesn’t hurt anyone, we shouldn’t be any more pressured to analyse ourselves than anyone else. Science can’t tell us how anybody becomes attracted to whatever it is they’re attracted to, so understand there’s no real need to understand! ;-)

Edward, 19
edward@agetaboo.org

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I agree with Matthew about sticking together and helping/supporting each other. I suggest you find people who can "handle" your situation, and still accept you as you are. I know it's difficult, but once you find those "normal" people who welcome the "deviant" ones, it will give you greater strength and optimism about life.

I was, before, thinking of taking "this" to the grave with me, until a friend openly asked me what the problem was with me. It took so long and it was extremely difficult to "let it go" (I remember crying loud for hours in a night), but seeing someone saying "was that the thing you've been trying to hide?", "you know that you share something with socrates as well?" (as a joke) is really worth it. After he heard all the story, he gave me his shoulder, and said "OK, do cry!"

Today, I have a couple of friends who "know" me better than others, and I sometimes think I did a good job by letting it go beyond my grave. But still, the idea that life is that unfair and how freedom can turn into prison and paranoia sometimes bothers me.

But I then go talk to my closest friends when I get so emotional or stressed out. I consider myself lucky at least regarding having these open-minded friends, who acknowledge the significance of "being trusted" by a friend even if that friend is a "pervert."

Can, 26

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