Submitted 6 Jun 2007
I deeply love some boys. When I give in to the feelings I feel inside my heart about my "boylove" I feel normal and happy. But at the same time I feel so guilty and bad.
I don't want to feel this way about boys, I can picture myself in the future with a beautiful wife and family. That's what I want.
How do I get from loving boys to loving females my own age? I have looked at female porn and I just feel really guilty, like a womans body is sacred.
I was talking to someone I know about sexual desires and stuff, and they told me that when we are born we are born with the capability of becoming a pedophile, straight, bisexual. What you like depends on what you choose to think about alot.
Other studies suggest that boys that have been sexually abused when they were younger are more likely to become gay, or a boylover. I think this is correct because when you have been sexually abused when you're just a kid, your innocent mind now focuses more on sex and genitals of other men.
When I was young an older man nicely invited me into his house, he showed me his piano and other things. Anyhow, nothing bad happened except he exposed his penis to me. From then on I didn't think like an innocent child. My mind was now aware of other males bodies and genitals.
So, to whoever is reading this, do you think it would be fair to say the reason I feel like I do towards younger boys or to men is because I have been focusing my thoughts on penises and males?
Wait I think I know. So I think about it alot from when I'm young and then as I start getting older and then eventually to puberty and filled with hormones, I now need to fullfil this new boost of sexual feelings, and because the only experiences of anything close to "experimenting with another person" was the thing that happened when I was younger, and therefore the thing I focused on much through childhood was that experience, so I hit puberty and bam! only thing on my mind is other men's bodies, their penises! So I start looking at porn, and grow to love the innocence in younger boys. And grow to love them. So blindly for most of my life I have been focusing only on boys and men.
The point of this is, morally and ethically, I disagree with the feelings I have let take over my mind, the way of thinking I have taking on. And I want to change! It's like there is a battle going on in my mind and heart 24/7. If it is a battle, the only way for me to achieve the ultimate goal for me, being married to a woman with a family, is to do all I can to fight for that in my mind and heart!
I have read from other resources that the only way someone broke out of the "cycle of compulsive behavior", and in my case loving boys, is to work on loving God and living his teachings and prinicipals through the Bible, and other doctrines. To ultimately gain a testimony. All that being said, I do believe in God, and I believe that he wouldn't give us any challenges in this life that we couldn't overcome.
I guess in my situation what I need to do right now is to decide what I want, because if I'm allowing there to be a war in my mind then I haven't really decided what I want. I'm not saying that all the boylovers out there shouldn't do what makes them happy, but for me I am not truly happy when I just live the life of a boylover.
Another thing I just thought about is something else someone said to me. We as humans naturally take the path of least resistance. Metaphorically talking about decisions in our life and the things we do. That being said, maybe I don't want to give into the path of least resistance, choosing to live a life of boyloving. It's easy, it makes you temporarily happy, then for me sad and depressed after the feelings go away. I can't ignore the feelings of guilt anymore, I know it's possible to just not feel guilty anymore, and when you dont feel guilty anymore about boyloving, all you've done is change your way of thinking so your mind believes that loving kids is ok and normal. Because we all want to feel like we are OK.
Sorry to have used up so much space, but me writing all this has helped me to see what I want and how to get it more clearly.