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Submitted 16 Apr 2006

Hello. I'm french so sorry if my English is not perfect, but I found nothing in French. I'm 20.

Since the age of 12-13, I have been attracted to younger boys, I feel good when I'm with them, I'm just happy to be with them, in one word I just love them. But I don't know what to do. How could a relation be possible between a 20-year-old man and a boy who is only 8 or 12 or any age below 15 (age of consent in France)? I'd like to embrace them, to help them, to give them love... But I really don't know how I can do something more than just looking at boys in the street and dreaming of a friendship...

And how could it be tolerated? Here a 20-year-old guy is considered as an immoral pedophile rapist when he has a 16-year-old girlfriend --even if the girl consents and if there is no sex in their relation! It's unbelievable how intolerant French people are. So even if a friendly relationship with a young boy was possible, his parents would take proceedings against me to send me into jail as soon as they learnt their child is in touch with an adult (adult=potential rapist => DANGER!!! => trial). There is no hope...

I wonder if it would be enough to try to have a "normal" life. Because I'm also attracted to boys and girls of my age, so maybe if I just found a gilfriend I could forget it and do as if it never was. But I don't think I can forget it. My love for younger boys is generaly stronger than my love for people of my age. And I always think about it. So what can I do? I can neither live with it, nor without it.

Sometimes (in fact quite often) I wish I was never born. I wonder why I haven't commited suicide yet, whereas I thought about it so many times. Why don't I simply love girls of my age, like everybody? I'll never find happiness if I love people I'm not allowed to love.

Another reason why I think I should die : I'm scared. Scared of doing harm to children. I know I could never do any harm to a child. I love them, I can't hurt them! But if I got crazy? If I became a psycopath? If I changed and became dangerous and couldn't control myself anymore? I prefer being dead to doing any harm to anybody, especially to children. So sometimes I feel I should die to avoid such a situation. A kind of "prevention death". I know it's not rational, but it really frightens me.

Sometimes I want to die, sometimes I think I should die, and sometimes I want to live despite everything...

I'm lost... And alone...

And I can't get out of it alone. For many years I have tried but never achieved. Please give me some advice... What do I have to do? How can I live? Because it is easy to die --I already know how I'd like to die-- but I'd like to try to live before. Because I never really lived, and I'd like to know what it's like before I die. I'd like to give myself a last chance but I don't know how...

So please tell me...

how can I live?

Christophe, 20

Our answers
Submitted 19 Apr 2006

Don't take your life.....The fact is this....when i was a kid my home life was hell...i was raped and beaten by my father and his friends frequently....i ran away at 12. A guy who will remain nameless, took me in. Turns out he was a BL and he treated me better than anyone in this life ever has..the point is, if you're not hurting children, then you're not the type to...If you get yourself into a situation that bothers you, then get away from it....look, bottom line, your life is important man, dont waste it..... Your friend, Jayson

Jayson, 28


Suicide is hardly the best option. I understand the frustration of being unable to be with the person you love due to laws made by a narrowminded society, but I also know the value of forming strong, lasting friendships with boys around you. Find a job or volunteer in a field where you can protect and help children -- the sort of sociopathy you are worried about developing will not just click in your head overnight, and once you see that you can take care of kids and help them to grow up right, you'll feel better about your lot in life, I promise.

In the meantime, find a girl you like and tell her that. If you like people your own age, you're luckier than most of us! A relationship, especially with an understanding peer, might also help to establish some optimism in you. Good luck!

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