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I've lost my best friend. Where do I go from here? We met when he was 16 and I was 24. Sure it was only over the internet, but I can't find any boys who are interested in an 'old man' like me in the area where I live. (A certain large, homophobic city in Alberta.) I hate it here. You smile at someone, and they instantly laugh at you and wonder aloud if you're a fag. Anyway, I went to visit him a few times, (at great personal expense) and everything was perfect. I felt whole. He asked me if I would marry him when he turned 18 and I said yes. Our relationship got a little rocky because I couldn't visit as often as either of us wanted, and we concluded that the only way things were going to get any better was to break it to his parents. I spent three thousand dollars flying to a certain city in Massachusetts that was screwed over by General Electric. We had one perfect day together...I met his mom and things went okay...His father, unfortunately, is very very authoritar ian, and he endeavoured to have me arrested. He attempted to trick me into waiting for the cops, and he grew unspeakably angry when they couldn't arrest me because I had commited no crime. (Hey, I do my research.) He refused to even talk to me, and I was ordered by the cop not to call the house or go to the house, and I aquiesced. I left town that day, and I'm still wondering if that was the right thing to do.

Well...it's been 64 days since that horrible time...and there hasn't been anything from my beloved at all. Not a note, not an e-mail, not a text message, not a letter, not a single phone call...and I don't know if I can go on, to be honest...it hurts because he promised he would always love me forever and ever...maybe I was just naive, but I wanted to believe that. I wanted to believe in him. I feel like ending it all, and there's nobody I can talk to. I'm so lonely and desperate for companionship, and I have a lot of love and affection to give, but I'm cursed with this...affinity for boys who are younger than me. I honestly believe that if he had stayed in my life, I would've been able to love him as he grew up, and I could've 'grown up' with him, so to speak. Every day I think about how I'm getting older and older and eventually I'll be so old that nobody that I am actually capable of loving will ever want to be with me and I'm terrified of being alone and I HATE going home every day to my empty room and my empty bed...

A young man from england who I began talking to recently as a means of distraction told me he loved me yesterday...and I just don't know if I can do it anymore. Why can't I find someone closer?!?! What's wrong with me? I'm a student! I don't have the money to just fly off to another country and risk my personal safety and everything like that. My dad just died, and god how I wish he was here so I could ask him what to do... Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you cope? I want to live, but I just don't see what there is to live for.

Matsuri (26)

Our answers
Submitted 26 Nov 2005


I know this hard and wish I could be more help. True love knows no age limits. You are not too old to love or be loved. I lost a young friend, because he moved away, and it broke my heart, but I know that there will be another boy who loves me. I just have to be patient. Don't give up Matsuri. You will find someone.

Jeremiah (38)


Submitted 16 Apr 2007

Just an update. I MARRIED that boy from England ^_^. Don't give up guys. You CAN find happiness, even after going through the darkest valleys of despair that the heart can ever experience...you can climb to the mountaintops and find joy again. Makennai, minna-san!!!

Don't give up!!!

Matsuri (27)

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