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ZACHARY ASKS...
Submitted 2 Aug 2010

Hi, I am looking for support that I just can't find with my friends or family. Now, I am going to tell you a bit of information about myself and then I will tell you my story. It might take a bit of a long time,and it might switch between past and present tense, but I hope someone will read it. I need help!

I'm a boy, aged 14. I just finished my freshman year of high school and am enjoying summer break. This story takes place well I was still a freshman. I was youngest in my freshman class, because I skipped a grade but nobody ever noticed. People always say I look older, in the 16-17 year old range.

Ever since I was little, I have been friends with mostly girls. I met one girl in camp when I was in fifth grade and we discovered we were going to the same middle school together. Anyway, we both completely forgot about it. (Or at least I did) and went our separate ways. It wasn't until the end of seventh grade when we met again. We were both in a school musical together. We enjoyed this experience immensely, and became the best of friends. I can trust her with anything and everything and she feels the same way back. For a while, there was a little bit of sexual tension when I learned she liked me. Things begin to get a bit awkward, as I saw her as only a friend... For the rest of the story, I will call her "Samantha," so it isn't confusing

Anyway, useless information almost over, we pretty much stopped being friends. We avoided each other until we both got invited to a dance. I had no idea she would be there. I was with someone else, a girl who I was romantically attracted to, and we were having a great time. Then I saw Samantha there. She was standing with an incredibly cute, young boy. It obviously wasn't her date, seeing as he was so young. Later, when the dancing was over, I casually started a conversation with the cute, almost angel like boy. He was Samantha's brother. Suddenly, I had an urge to be friends with Samantha again. Her brother was 12 years old, but he looked younger.

So, I walked up to Samantha and made up. There was a lot of hugging and it all turned out to be okay. She liked someone new now, so any remaining sexual tension disappeared. We became great friends again and she even invited me to her house for a sleepover (This being months later).

I thought, "There is no way in hell my mother is going to let me sleep at a girl's house!"

When I told her this, she sort of laughed and said, "You'll be sleeping with my brother, silly!"

"And he's okay with that?" I said, barely knowing what was happening.

"Yeah, actually he suggested it. He thinks you're really cool!"

And so, miraculously, permission was got from my parents and I was off to sleep with an angel.

So, by now, you should probably be able to tell that I have a bit of an attraction to younger boys. 14 to 12 doesn't seem like that much of an age difference but I was in high school and he was in grade school. It's a huge difference, maturity wise.

So, to make a long story short, that was the start of a very interesting relationship with her brother. He was a very cuddly child, probably because his own older brother had died when he was younger. Anyway, he instantly loved me and practically worshiped me. When we slept in the bunk bed, he would come to the bottom bunk and cuddle next to me. I never said anything about it, and he didn't mention it either. Everything happened slowly, but still seemed to fast. Me, Samantha, and him all became like I family. I am an only child and I've always wanted a little brother and older sister. But then something very strange happened. . .

I was sitting with her brother, on the bed, and looking into his beautiful blue eyes. He leaned toward me and kissed me. It was a moment that lasted forever but was still too short. Then suddenly I pushed him away. I felt confused, and sick.

I am not gay. I know this for a fact. I am not attracted to any men or boys my age. I am very attracted to women, both sexually and romantically. but for some reason, I felt myself having strange unexplainable feeling for the boy.

And, now, I don't know what to do. Am I supposed to take it farther? I feel like once the boy is older, my attraction will fade away. I am confused and scared and I really need help.

Zachary (14)

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