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I would say my first attraction to another boy was when I was 10. His name was Aaron and he had the most beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes. I remember feeling helpless as I kept glancing at him behind me at the school assemblies. I hated the fact that I could not be with him in class or at least in the same grade. My next attraction was my best friend in 7th grade, although he never knew it. He was very cute and we would always play hockey together.
Like many kids that age, I didn't really think too much about sexuality until I was probably around 14. Although I had some crushes on friends, until I was 14 they were usually all my own age. I remember being attracted to an 8 y/o boy who rode the same camp bus that I did. I got to know him pretty well and we became good friends that summer. I loved just sitting and talking with him and I realized at some point soon after that I would love to kiss him. I never did, but I think that was my first recollection of being in love with a younger boy. At the end of the summer his mother came up to me and said that her son could not stop talking about me at home and really enjoyed the summer because I took an interest in him. That was a moment that I will never forget.
To this day I love being around boys. One of the best ways that I have found to deal with my romantic desires for them, is to just become friends with boys I'm attracted to whenever I can. Although I'm not able to express my love directly for a boy, just being friends and listening and talking about whatever can fill that void in many ways.
At one rock-bottom period of my life, I had just arrived at university and was living in a single apartment and obsessing about my love of boys. All I wanted to do was to meet boys and express my love for them in reality. It was a very depressing and pivotal point in my life because, although I kept telling myself there was nothing wrong with my attractions, they were quite literally ruining my life. I rarely went out. I bathed probably once every few days and all I did was order food and talk online. I completely isolated myself from people because I felt like no one wanted to hear what I had to say and I wasn't sure I could deal with not saying it.
It's extremely hard to have such passionate feelings that you have to repress into repetitive psychological thought. It was most likely at this moment in my life that I was the most depressed and devoid of joy that I have ever been. At one point I called the police and told them that I had slit my wrist. Although I had and have no intentions to end my life, I cut many slashes in my wrist and blood started to drip. The embarrassing aftermath of the police at my door with shotguns drawn will forever scare my desires to have the police intervene with any psychological crises again. I basically phoned 911 because I wanted attention and their only job was to keep me alive, not find out what was wrong.
Well I got the attention that I desired when my parents pulled me out of school and moved me back home. I spent the next several months trying to get my life back together and focus my energies on myself. My dad's most important priority was to make sure my life was a living hell, but I did find solace in my mom. I went through the next seven months of my life trying to get things together. I was in therapy, I worked off and on and I was trying to decide what to do about school.
These last months have been extremely exhausting but it was within these months that I learned the most about myself and all of the great qualities that I possess. Don't get me wrong, my parents and I had frequent fights, I frequently felt depressed, I lied to them to keep them off my back, I spent too much time on the internet I watched too much TV, I worked too little and I just didn't feel like trying to get my life together. What was the point? The thing that I wanted most in life was inaccessible to me and I felt that there was nothing to try for.
I'm now back in school at a university closer to home. I still feel shitty sometimes. I still feel frustrated. But I have gained an attitude of indifference. I have a great therapist that I can rant to about my problems regarding this issue. THIS IS KEY! I definitely needed someone I could talk to. It wasn't until recently that I found this comfort, but I did. It made me feel great to just explode with all of my dissent about current thought on boylove issues w/o fear of being judged. The thing that made me feel great was that I actually made very good and valid points that my therapist agreed with. I might not make a difference in society as a whole but at least I was making another person see what I had been bouncing around in my brain for so long. The important thing was that I was taken seriously and treated like a human being afterwards.
I'm currently struggling with newly diagnosed ADD while trying desperately to keep up with daily assignments in class. I'm forcing myself to get involved on campus and in things that at least take my mind off of boys for a while. I found a good place to release my ideas and it has helped me immensely. I'm doing okay. It's better than I've felt for most of my life, that's for certain. I'll let you know how it goes.
I am so glad to have found this site and I really would like to thank the brave founder and moderators for feeding its existence. It is so necessary and I think that once we have been online for a while, we will all see that not only are we not alone, but we're in the company of many wonderful people who share our feelings. Besides that I hope everyone learns a lot, has fun and gets a better understanding of themselves on here.
"Love anyone you want!"
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