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twenty in December and I have Asperger's Syndrome (There is information on
the web, if you do not know what this is.) Basically I have a very, very
difficult time making friends and being in social situations.
I have tremendous fears about doing things that come with ease to others my age. I have only worked twice, and was helped to get those two jobs by my special ed. teachers at school. I am very into my own interests, the greatest of which has always been Pro Wrestling. I also have a deep interest in music. My only interest career wise is in the audio/visual industry. I'd love to be a filmmaker.
I find myself attracted to boys who are around the ages of 12-15. I am not sure what my orientation or situation is. I am not attracted at all to males my age or older, nor to females my age or older. I have in the past been attracted (sexually) to girls my age and younger however, but this has seemed to subside as I have gotten older. When I was around 14 and 15 I can remember feeling attracted to boys my own age, but as I have grown older I've noticed that the boys I feel close to have become younger than me. This scares me very much, as I feel I am being pushed ahead by age, before I my time.
I have never had any sexual experiences at all. I have read that it's normal for kids to feel confused in adolescence and that they sometimes experiment with one another. I have never talked with any boys about sex, let alone fooled around with them. I have no idea if sexual experimentation is in fact something that is common, something I have missed out on, or not. I can't help but think that if I had the opportunity to experiment, I could ease my worries greatly. I cannot picture myself feeling comfortable talking about sex with other boys, let alone fooling around with them.
Loving boys and cuddling them without sex is so relevant to how I feel. I always thought it strange, but now I know there are others. I don't feel compelled to have sex with boys; I just want to be near to them. For example, there are two boys whom I find very attractive that are in the 10th grade at my school. I see them and imagine how nice it would be to do something as simple as hold their hand. I imagine kissing their lips and running my fingers through their hair. I look at them and the only word that comes to mind is perfection. To me everything about them is beautiful. Their bodies are so smooth and soft; their faces are so cute. I just want to hold them close to me like dolls, and just cuddle with them for hours and hours.
I would not need to be sexual with them, although I'm sure that would be wonderful, or maybe not. I don't think of myself as being anywhere near them in a million years (I guess maybe I have a low opinion of myself, in some ways.) I often think, if only they could not only know how I feel, but understand too, then everything would be well. I hate to think realistically, of what they would probably really think. I mean they like me, I know, as far as me being a nice person and all.
I feel awful though when I try to put myself in their shoes and picture how I would seem to them if they knew how I felt about them. A twenty year old male longing for a kiss from a 15 year old male? It gets worse though. Right now there is only a five-year age gap. What about the future? When I am older, will I still be looking at boys thinking, if only? If only they could know, and understand. Right now I feel like there is still a chance, for what? I don't know. But that's how I feel. I also feel however that time is quickly running out for me. As horribly depressed as I am now, I can not imagine how it will be in the future, when I am older.
The senior class play at my school was held last night and tonight. It is, ironically, Peter Pan. If only I could go to neverland and be with people I love forever and never have to face the cold hard world. My favorite book is Catcher in the Rye, I relate very much to the boy in that story.
One important thing I want to say is that when I think about being married or being with someone for life, in a realistic way, I picture being with a girl. I cannot however, think about girls whom I may love, in a sexual way. It's like I think they are above that, or something. With boys though, I feel like it's all in the gender so to speak. What I mean is, boys are boys and I'm a boy and I could be with a boy and it would not have to feel serious like with a girl. It would just be us entertaining our feelings in a playful, boys would be boy's way. I could not do that with a girl I loved. With a girl, it could not be that way, it would be different.
The bottom line is, if only I could be free to express how I feel with a boy, I would then know how the place from all my dreams would feel. Even if for some reason I decided that after all that, it didn't feel right, at least I'd know. There is some reason why I look at those boys and get all warm inside, I guess It's just one of those mysteries that we will never understand. All I know is how I feel, and I don't know how there is any way such good feelings could be wrong.
Some people are in awe of a beautiful painting, they may not be able to paint to save their lives, but they can still admire. I am in awe of whatever that magical thing is that boys possess. I don't know if touching it would ruin it, but I would rather experience and lose, then to have never experienced the magic at all.
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