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Why are we the way we are? Are we born a certain way? Is it how we are raised? Genetics? What makes one attracted to same sex, or younger age? Does science have anything to do with sexual orientation? A study that was on 60 Minutes had a test between two 9 year old twin boys, one who was into all things Army, and G.I. Joes, the other into purple glitter nail polish and Neopets: The Dark Faery. This is called gender nonconformity, when a person of one sex leans towards the other. Apparently scientists have discovered what make boys grow up to be gay. No one ever seems to choose to be of an orientation, they are born to it. Just like as a child I was attracted to both girls and boys. I thought it was normal at first. Eventually I learned about being gay and straight, and I thought I had to fall into one of the two catagories. Into middle school years I started searching for outlets for sexual frustrations. I turned towards the internet. I had seen porn before as a kid, and now a 7th or 8th grader, grown women and older guys still held no interest for me.

In 8th grade I started developing a major crush on my best friend, a boy a year younger then me. That feeling was not quite so mutual. One night, during a sleepover at his house, I persuaded him to let me masturbate him. After that our 2 year friendship quickly dissolved, until he stoped talking to me altogether. I was distrought. I had lost my only friend, and in a sense, got my heart broken at the same time. For years I lived with that guilt, and I still do. In 9th grade I transfered school districts. Now, approaching 15, I realized I was growing older then my internet outlet, and my outlet stayed the same age. I began to worry about what I was turning into.

In 9th grade I started dating girls, and made new friends with guys, but they where all older now. Like me. (At last.) I never had feelings for them. For years I had considered myself straight, even while I still found myself attracted to younger boys, though I didn't even know any. 11th Grade became the hardest and darkest in my life. My grandma, who I was very close to passed. I was desperate for a friend, maybe even a lover. But I never thought I'd find anybody. I became deppresed and suicidal. Until this kid added me on myspace.(We'll call him Trent) He lied about his age at first, claiming to be 16, until I got him to admit his real age. 14. He was beautiful, with shoulder-length black hair, and piercing green eyes. And totally emo-punk. And the best part, he was bi. At this point in my life I accepted that I was also bi. We started hanging out, but he had a girlfriend. His bestfriend actually had a crush on me though, and although he was 13, and I was 17, I really didn't care anymore. We went out for a while, and became fairly intimate. It was an added thrill avoiding his parents from finding out about me.

I eventually found out he liked this girl and was planning on dumping me if and when she went out with him. I liked the kid, but that was cheap. so I let him go. Also partially because I had heard Trent was single. At this point he had turned gay, being sick of girls and being backstabed, and this relationship ended up being one of my longest and most intense. I was actually in love with him. Until an old flame said she wanted me to go to prom with her. I agreed, only becouse I promised myself i'd be with her again. I thought I could be with her again, and Trent and I would just be FWBs. He took it very hard and now he won't talk to me. This is very familiar, but almosts hurts more because I don't think I'm in love with my girlfriend, but i don't know how to get him back. To top it all, I turn 18 this fall, and all chances of being with him go out the window. I hate the Age of Consent Laws but what does that even matter if he won't ever speak to me again. The depression and hoplessness has been eating at me for far too long. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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