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I've been hiding this part of myself for too long. I feel I am a monster and during winter I was going to end my suffering. Well, I couldn't do it. Am I a pussy? I don't know. The only certain thing I know is this: apparently I can't kill myself, and I don't want to suffer anymore.
Anyway, here's my story. I'm 25, slim but not athletic. I've always had a mystical affinity with boys. In the subway they always stare at me, and I know they see something they don't see in other people.
I met my roomate's brother when he was 10. Our friendship was immediate. As time went by he slept over at our place and he had to sleep in my bed because we had no couch and his brother had his girlfriend over. So, here I am, in bed with an 11 y/o boy. This is the night I realised I wasn't a bad person, or a monster. Most of you who are reading this can imagine the fight that was going on in my head. I couldn't sleep. I decided to sleep as far away as possible from him. Next thing I knew he moved around in his sleep and hugged me, put his head against my shoulder. I fell asleep after I shed a few tears. Nothing happened.
About a year went by and we got along great, and he was starting to ask questions about his body. When will IT grow, etc etc. I felt really unconfortable, as I didn't know what to answer. I did so casually, is if it were natural conversation and made nothing of it.
One night we were watching TV and he started wrestling me. I played along and out of the blue he grabbed my penis. I was overwhelmed and didn't know what to do, so I simulated feeling pain. He let go, and asked, "I thought that felt good?" I said something along the lines, "Don't worry about it" and made nothing of it. I never made him feel weird.
I felt this was strange, because he was a hetero. He had a bunch of girlfriends at school, yet he still asked me how to kiss a girl, and I knew he wanted me to kiss him. I just said, "Well, just kiss her, you'll figure it out."
Well, it seems that my refusal to play along created a rift between us, and I am now very very lonely. I don't know what could have been or would it have been worth it. All I know is I could NEVER EVER hurt a kid in any way. And that's something I can live for. All the stuff about pedophiles and rapists was so entrenched in my head I felt like one. Now I know there are LOTS of people like me, and think the same way I do.
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