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I grew up as the last child of three. I came along 9 years after number two and have very few memories of my siblings living at home. It was almost like being an only child. I experienced many things my brother and sister didn't because my parents were better off by the time I was 10 or 11. We took a trip for the whole summer every year, just the three of us and my dog.
My sexual life became active when I was about 7. It started off with the "show me yours and I'll show you mine" kind of thing out in the play ground. When I was around 9-10 it progressed to the fondling and enjoying just being erect. Until now I didn't notice but, many of my partners were a year or two younger. My best and most memorable partner was a same age boy when we were 12. He lived next door and would sneak over after his parents went to sleep and would climb in my window for a couple hours of boy to boy fun. He was the one who taught me how to perform oral sex. He let me practice many times, a lot. We continued until about 16 and he just stopped coming over all of a sudden. No reason, no comment, just stopped. We were still friends at school and were civil toward each other but the sex stopped.
As I went into college I had other same age male partners but those seemed just for the release. Never had the deep loving feelings of a real relationship. Don't get me wrong, I was not promiscuous, there were two partners over a period of 10 years with large gaps in between. I never considered myself as "gay" because I had an attraction for young women as well. Just never had a sexual experience with any of them.
At 18 I joined the Big Brothers and was matched with an 11 year old boy. We spent weekends together going to movies, camping, the mall, and he loved the hydro-tubes that were so popular at the time. He was a great kid and we had a wonderful relationship. We knew each other for about three years and he seemed to drift away. I had to let him go because it was his decision and no longer needed me. I did my part and gave him support and love he needed at that critical time in his young life.
I continued to live and wonder about myself. I knew I had an attraction for boys but also knew it was wrong. I was afraid that if I did not keep it under control I would turn into one of those monsters you hear about on the news who abuse and molest kids. My struggles to control what I thought were bad thoughts led me to religion. I was a minister for a few years.
After I left the ministry I found a story online about a man who had an intimate relationship with a boy. This was the first time I ever read the word "boylove". As I read the description I kept thinking that it was me. Finally, after 35 years I found out exactly what I was. A boylover. After some web searches I found Boy Chat and started posting. As other boylove sites popped up I visited them as well and posted. I learned more about boylove and found some good friends online. I learned I was not a monster. I learned there was a difference between boylove and molesting. I am a good person. I am a boylover.
I think it is wonderful to see young boylovers learning about them selves while still young. They won't go through the mental anguish and pain I did thinking I was destined to become something horrible. I am happy to help when I can and chat and provide some insights if I can for these young men who need to know more about boylove.
- fntm, 38
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