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I first realized that I was attracted to boys when I was about 12. I didn't want to think about it for quite a while. For the entire year that I was 12, I think I would tell myself, "No, you aren't really one of those guys." I had thoroughly convinced myself of this even though all of my attractions were to boys younger than myself or the same age. Sometimes when the denial didn't work, crying myself to sleep was the only option.
So then drugs started looking appealing. I started smoking pot, which eventually led to other things, and was stoned until I was 17. Drugs didn't really work so well to make me forget. They did, however, lower my inhibitions which led me to do things that I regret now.
Then I found God. Found out that He was real. I stopped hating Him and myself. I was a lot happier once this happened, but I think I was still steering myself in the wrong direction. I became obsessed with "curing" myself. I BEGGED God to take away my attraction to boys. When this didn't work, I tried some 'not so natural' cures.
I decided that I was going to have myself castrated. This would be my cure. I figured that if I didn't have ANY sexual desires than I would be as "normal" as I could be. I researched it and there are a lot of guys taking this route. There are doctors all over the USA that will perform this surgery (as long as you give them 3 shrinks' letters stating that you are not insane).
I really came close to doing this until I realized that I could just chemically castrate myself with pills and get the same results. I ordered some pills (androcur) online from overseas. These are the pills that the Brits give their "sexual predators". I just wanted to not have these desires anymore so I started taking the pills. So here I was this teenager taking these pills that gave me hot flashes like I was a 50 year old woman in the depths of menopause.
I couldn't do this anymore...So next thing I did was drive all over the country going to to see mystics and healers. The "healers" didn't "cure" me though. They seemed shocked when I asked them to. (Well, not all of them because one of them told me about me being a boylover. He could read souls so he knew my condition before I even told him. This man is a mystic like Padre Pio)...I did all of this, and for what? To cure myself...Why should I be "cured"? I know all of this stuff I did makes me sound like I'm crazy or something, but I was made to feel that if I didn't change myself that I was something worse than crazy.
Now I feel a lot differently about being a boylover than most people think I should. Now I'm almost proud of it. I've come out to quite a few of my friends and they have all been really cool. I wonder sometimes if I would want it taken away if I had the chance now. I can't imagine being deprived of the ability to recognize beauty in boys. How do people not see this? I wonder if the "normals" are really telling the truth. I mean, are they blind? How can they not tell that boys are so intrinsically breathtaking that it could make me jump up and down for joy? Are they lying to us? Has male sexual attraction really changed so much from the times of the Greeks and Romans? Maybe everybody sees the beauty of boys more than they admit to and that's why all youth fashions have decided to cover boys up in enormous clothes like the Afgan women wearing the Taliban's required head coverings. Probably not though....
Here's what I can say for sure. I will never again feel badly about my attractions to boys. I have them and can not help it. I don't want to help it. I should not and will not be made to feel that I need to apologize to someone for my sexual orientation. I think it's morally wrong to have any kind of sexual relationship with boys. But it's also immoral to hate and try to shame those with a sexual orientation which they didn't choose.
Sometimes when I'm with my friends who don't know about my orientation, the subject of pedophilia comes up. They give off all their opinions, and drone on and on about how sick "those people" are. My one buddy said something extremely unintelligent about how the government should just "execute all those guys". I've learned not to get mad about hearing stuff like this. I just took a deep breath and then began educating these guys about the need for acceptance. I think sometimes people feel like it's required to hate us. People need to hear from us that it's ok not to hate boylovers.
Now I'm going to college and working on my undergrad which will, if all goes as planned, eventually get me into law school. I'm thinking about becoming a social activist for the boylover cuase. I'm not scared of a full fledged "coming out," so this might be a good idea for me.
God Bless you guys,
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