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I love boys. Thats just how it is, I have always loved to talk with play with and hang out with younger boys. My whole life I've pulled to me boys who need a older role model, boys who needed a big brother, a father figure or just a friend...

Out of all these boys though there have been 3 over the years who I got very close with. I will state for the record now that I have never engaged in sexual activity with any of them though God knows I've wanted to. But as a man who as a child was abused sexualy by an older man who should have been guiding and helping me I know first hand how messed up getting involved in something your not ready for can make you. To be honest though I often find myself wondering if these events messed me up becouse the world told me they should mess me up? After all here i am 28 gay and messed up becouse 'I want boys I can't have.'


Three boys above all others I have loved and helped the best I could. The first was 14 when I was 19, he had no dad, 2 sisters and an over-controlling mother. We were drawn to each other in fact for years we had lived next to each other but never talked. We started going for skates togeather he was already smoking cigarettes which he'd steal from his mum and I would get him stoned now and then... We would just talk you know, we'd talk about everything from how our days had been to the nature of the universe. He started coming over to my flat to play video games with me when he should of been at school and when his family was out on the odd weekend nights I'd sleep in his bed with him at his place becouse he would ask me to. Eventualy his mum put a stop to it, he sneaked out one night to go for a skate with me and she found out, followed us, called me a pedo and told me if I ever talked to him again she would call the police on me. I had never touched him sexualy I loved him like the little brother I'd always wanted but never had. I miss him alot still to this day, nine years later but have no way to contact him because his mum moved them and made sure I had no contact details.

The second boy was my friends younger cousin. He came away for a summer with us when he was 14 and I was 24. At this point in my life I was hitting the road for summers in my van going to outdoor dance parties and taking lots of drugs trying to kill my emotions and drown all the things I wasn't ready to deal with. Funny thing is it kind of did the opposite, I found out so much about myself over these years I'm still working through it all. Well this boy was living overseas, he was on the road with us for two months, came to all the parties, lived on beaches with us and we got very close to the point where he convinced his folks to let him come to school here for the year and live with his aunt, my friends mum. I still don't know how he managed this but he did. Some sort of thing we would hang out and talk, I would shoot him some pot now and then but never to much or to often just a taste. I taught him how to juggle and fire dance. In fact I made him a fire staff (first and only time I made one for someone else). He would stay at my place every second weekend or so and sleep in my bed (once again never touched him sexually). He would bring all the friends he was making at school around so I could meet them, even his girlfriend. And genrally looked up to me as a role model. At the end of the year his mum desided she wanted him to come home and made it so. We have sporatic email contact but over the years it's gotten less and less, he hasn't returned any mail I've sent him this year, but I will keep the contact for as long as I can in the hopes that he remembers that I love him oneday.

The last boy though, he is the one... I meet him for the first time when he was 3, he turns 10 this year I believe. I first became friends with his mum who I met on the summer party circuit. She invited me to come camp up on their land for a bit one summer. Well the first night I was there it rained real heavy so I slept in the lougne on the couch first thing in the morning this boy wonders out and crawl onto my lap and starts talking to me. Over that summer we became good friends and I have spent a month or two staying with them every summer since. Everyone knows I love him and that he loves me, we openly hug and even kiss on the lips (just a peck mind you). He is the child I will never have and his mum knows it, his dad pretty much has nothing to do with him but it dosn't matter because he has me. When I'm there he will hopp into bed with me every morning so I can read him a story or just talk. We take showers together even. We are often naked togeather in bed and the shower and I have popped many a boner around him, he like to wriggle in my lap when we read or watch movies, he likes it when I get a boner can you believe that? I have not let it go anywere though I love this boy and would never hurt him. It's complicated... his mum is dying now, she has a heart problem and is very ill, she has maybe two years left to live. I'm scared I'm going to lose him forever when she dies because he'll go to live with his real dad. I hold a dream very close to my heart that when he's older he'll want to be with me, maybe this is selfish but I don't care I need this dream, it's the only way I can deal with the fact that soon I will lose him for life...

So yeah I love boys I always have, I always will, I do not believe I'm sick or perverted for doing so, but hiding how much I love them from the world is starting to take it's toll on me. I dream of a day where men like me can show there love without fear and I'm heading back to school next year to do a degree in psychology because I want to help boys and young men who are struggling with issues like this...

Much love and support to all the men and boys out there who truly love, my thoughts go with you always. Be safe and never stop loving.

Nyarma (28)

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