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I guess I always had feelings for younger boys. When I was little, and me and a friend were playing cops/army and stuff like that... I always liked being the hostage... I liked putting myself in the control of that boys hands, and I loved him being dominant over me. I had a neighbor, I was 12, he was 10. He was my only friend, since I was homeschooled. It started as a dare, when he showed me his... other times we just said "ok now what should I be...a gay doctor, a gay clown...etc". Then, we would touch each other and talk with a lisp and then laugh. My memory of something that I loved the most, and was the farthest we went was when he (fully clothed) rubbed my face against his pelvic area. We played games all the time... we wrestled... and I always let him do moves on me where I could move... and he had control.

Around that time I started talking online in gay chatrooms. For 2 years I battled the thoughts. When I was 14 my nephew came to a hotel. When he was swimming he would hold on to me and call me best buddy. He came over that summer, and I loved being around him. All the hugs and kisses, him sitting on my lap... my mom had him sleep in my bed... I was so scared... but my hormones were flaring... in his sleep I almost lost my control, almost did something that everyday I would regret.

I started reffing soccer around that time. I always loved doing u-12/u-10 BOYS soccer. I loved seeing them in short shorts. I started accepting my love for boys when I went back to public school as a freshman. Seeing junior high boys was the brightest moment of the day. There's this one boy who stares at me... I always wonder if he is looking at me like I'm looking at him... but I'm so afraid I am going to regret doing something. Part of me says "dude, you're almost their age... it's just like two heterosexual teens having sex" and honestly I don't know which I believe now. I am kinda open to having sex with someone my age... I know as I get older, I won't have that option. I don't want to force anything though... I want a boy to love me... and look up to me. So whether it's boys at soccer or at school I talk to them, I'm interested in what they have to say... they love the attention so they talk to me more. I joke/play around and be silly... they like me for me. I can be immature without being judged.

I just want any teen who's going through this to know... it's really tough... but your not alone. You have to decide what's right for you. Don't be afraid to love boys and to be loved... but don't do anything you will regret for the rest of your life. I regret what sex play happened between me and my nephew. He still calls me buddy, and I will let myself love him and him love me... but I won't ever do anything like that. The guilt has lead me to self mutilation, but I haven't cut in 5 months which is something I'm proud of... I'm just trying to accept myself. I hate myself so much at times... and I feel ashamed and dirty... but... I've tried all I can to change... I've given up my Christianity... because I feel if there is a god... he would give me a choice to choose how I feel and what I'm attracted to. The parents at church seem to trust me, and I love looking at this extremely cute boy, I want to get to know him to be a FRIEND.

Also, one way I helped avoid cutting was by expressing my self through lyrical writing and music production... it helps... so I would suggest finding a way to release/vent feelings and be able to express yourself. Good luck, it's hard... I don't know how much longer I can put up with this... it looks like alot of people have put up with it for a long time... and I hope I can do the same.

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